Jazzing up any meal with grated cheese. That ancient proverb we all lived by, that cheese makes everything better? Well, sometimes it just doesn’t.
Sometimes, after a fancy dinner (no grated cheese in sight), friends will suggest a nice glass of Port. You must not, under any circumstances, add WKD blue to this, as delicious as it may be.
Fancy dress used to be something you’d refined to a serious art-form. It required planning, time, effort, and a large chunk of your student loan. And you did this for EVERY SINGLE NIGHT OUT. Now Halloween rolls around and it’s a black dress you already own, some cat ears, and make-up that’s a bit darker than you’d normally wear (if you’re feeling adventurous).
All-nighters. I especially find that, working from home, it’s ever so tempting to revert back to my old nocturnal ways. Except the rest of the world expects me to answer my emails at a sensible hour, and if I stay up all night now I feel like I might actually die.
Drinking ANYTHING. No more Jaegerbombs/Apple Sourz/whatever’s 3-for-a-fiver at the Student Union. Because the objective isn’t to get as trollied as possible for under a tenner any more, you’ve probably found you can afford to be a bit more selective.
On a similar note, you’ve also learnt that a pint is not the standard measure for all alcoholic drinks.
Stealing. From the unnecessary and ridiculous (traffic cones, odd shoes…) to the entirely practical (bar glasses, toilet roll…) stealing is almost a rite of passage at university. But your kleptomania stopped the day you graduated. Now you’re a responsible adult (or at least pretending to be).
Kebabs. You swore you’d start being sensible and trade in your end of the night grease-fest for something a little less horrifying. Except that you haven’t. Oh, and now, occasionally, when you can’t be bothered to cook, you order one for dinner. This decision is made while completely sober. And you’re not even a little bit ashamed.
Mid-week nights out. Because while it was perfectly fine to roll into your 9am lecture at 10, in your pyjamas, take notes for 5 minutes then fall asleep, this is somewhat frowned upon in the workplace. Plus, no-one enjoys having, what I like to call, an “Executive Hangover” (aka trying not to throw up on your keyboard, and congratulating yourself for responding to one email every 2 hours).
Listening to ’90s pop music to be ironic. Now we just listen to it because we like it.
Choosing dining experiences based on quantity, not quality. As a student, if it didn’t have ‘all you can eat’ in the name, you just weren’t having any of it.
Buying the cheapest versions of everything. Sponges that disintegrated after one use? Toilet roll that you had to wrap around your hand 20 times before wiping? It’s a false economy. And it literally took you your entire time at university to figure that out.
Breakfast boozing. Oh for the days when mornings looked like this: roll out of bed, find housemates in the kitchen, glance around shiftily and wait for someone else to open the beers, so you don’t feel like the boozehound of the group.
“Cocktails.” AKA the last dregs of every spirit left in the cupboard, mixed with the last dregs of juice/milk/lemonade/whatever you can find in the fridge. Well hello there delicious Malibu-Sourz-Capri-Suntini. Served on the rocks with a twist, obviously.
Referencing. Because footnotes on a Facebook status are the work of a crazy-person.